Last night I ran a quote from a film over and over in my mind, "when there's that much poison in your blood there's nothing left but to shoot youself" I didn't have a gun, just a hand full of pills and a glass of water. Cold and still. I sobbed into a pillow with my Ipod playing, hoping that no one would ever hear me. I promised that I wouldn't cut myself AND A PROMISE IS A PROMISE so instead, I looked for my straighteners, they get pretty hot, you know? You might remember me complaining about never being able to keep my room tidy though...I couldn't find them.
Then my Dad called me to say that Lee Mack was on telly. He's one of my favourite comedians and so I watched him, with my family. Things didn't seem so bad.
I went up to bed.
Cried myself to sleep.
Dreamt of you.
Holding my hand.
I asked you a question.
I can't remember what you said.
disappoint you. I am not like you. incorrect things. forgive yourself. It is your fault and maybe a time shall come . feel weighed down. try to blame yourself. I repeat a past point: it is your fault, and the time may come. I do so hope you are depressed to the deepest depths.
PS. I'm sorry.
I woke up this morning, eyes stinging, a lump still in my throat. I felt better though. If it hadn't been for my family last night...well it doesn't bare thinking about. It was stupid and as per the gosh darned usual I over reacted like the Drama Queen I am. It's not like it was much of a surprise anyway.
I'm kind of proud of myself. I got through it without anyone. I didn't send any irrational emails or call anyone up and scream down the phone at them. i didn't even write a word of it in my diary.
I'm feeling better but it still hurts like hell. That hanful of pills I mentioned earlier...I don't think I ever really mean to, I just wanted something to take away the pain.
Thank you though, I don't even know whether you'll ever see this but in case you do. Thank you. Honestly.