...there is something which you should know...
Our dear, and much loved companion and resident story-teller; Dr. Evil; Master Thomas, has been abducted by, "The Northerners". They came by night, cloaked only by the sky's black oppression and their own devious cunning. Poor Thomas shrieked like a four year old girl and clung on to his teddy, "Mr. Ted" as the shadow standing at the end of his bed loomed closer. Mr. Ted was embarrassed by silly, Thomas's actions and decided to jump free from Thomas's grip, he ran fiercely on his teeny teddy toes to the dark entity within the room and bit its shin. Screams of curse words, which I'd rather not utter, rang around Tommy's house. Light switches were switched and so the room was illuminated. Tommy hid his face in shame as realisation dawned on him....the Northerners were his own family. He'd near on wet-the-bed because his family had come to visit...EPIC FAIL!!
...Sorry Tommy, our lovely and much appreciated blogging pal is going up North to stay with some relatives for a tidbit...whatever will we do without him??
I'll tell you what!! I shall sit upon Tommy's vacant throne as story-teller during his absence and you, mine Stalker Squirrel, minions dearest shall bring cakes and pastriesd to me by the wheel-barrow-ful...and if you fail such a task?? Your soul will be mine. However, as I've already divulged to you, I am infact a Pacifist *NO FIGHTING* so I shall destroy you with one of my notorious, almightily devastating diatribes. For those of you who lack the basic cognitive capacity to comprehend what a diatribe is, I shall inform you. OPEN YOUR EARS AND LISTEN, a diatribe is, in very simple terms; a ruddy good telling-off. So there. If you get on the wrong side of Miss Mink you now know what you're dealing with, my cruel and viscious tongue. MWA HA HA!!
Now class, today's lesson is upon the matter of English mustard; far superior in every respect than its French cousin..."French Mustard" and along these lines-
YOU, at the back, yes you, with the silly hair, how dare you, HOW VERY DARE YOU interrupt me??!
I'm sorry Miss Mink, I had no intention to interrupt I just-
YOU JUST WHAT??! THOUGHT THAT WHATVER YOU WERE SAYING TO THAT SCUM BAG ON YOUR LEFT WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT I WAS SAYING?
No Miss Mink, sorry Miss Mink.
Enough, come up to the front of the class. Class? Now that this fooool feels that he can teach better than I, the wondrous and majestic, Miss Mink, he shall take the lesson or become the subject to the latest of my literary sensations in diatribes, understand?
Yes Miss Mink.
Erm, class, I erm er, er, will today be erm, taking your lesson...and I um, well, will be teaching you about er English Mustard. Erm..DO YOU NOT WHAT, i'M DONE WITH THIS S**T, LET'S REBEL EVERYONE!! THAT COW; MISS MINK RECKONS SHE RULES THE WORLD, LETS TEACH HER A LESSON TODAY!
NOOOOOOOO!!! Right, you have had fair warning, now feel the wrath of mine diatribe, devilish!
I hereby banish you to the pits of Hades you heinous beasts!!!
Ahem, Peace and love and all the jazz!