There are only ever two options

Give up

or

Press on.

Please, to whomever people ask these questions, please give me strength to push on. I feel heavy and things are so hard. Goodness knows how much I want to disappear, to be absorbed into something else and stop being Kaytei for a while.

I just want to fall asleep.

Peace and love
xxxx

TOUGH

Things have been really hard lately but I guess nothing worth while is easy.

It's ok, I have the support I need and I think I'm beginning to cope with stress in a healthier way...at least I'm trying to!

Just deadlines are crazy. The lazy student stereotype hurts when I know it just isn't true.

But I have fantastic friends. I'm discovering yoga. I'm taking courses in mindfulness. I have George.

So nay sir, things aren't easy and sometimes they really aren't good but we press on because there are only ever two options:

1) Give up

2) Carry on

I know my choice.

Peace and love
xxxx

I need your loving like the sunshine.

Beautiful George <3 :="" a="" and="" asleep="" beautiful="" brighton="" chips="" cuddles="" day.="" falling="" fish="" for="" front="" george="" had="" in="" it="" me="" nbsp="" never="" of="" on="" out="" p="" ran="" right="" say.="" sea="" the="" things="" to="" train.="" was="" we="" went="">You make me so so happy.

Peace and love
xxxx

I met a boy

And suddenly I'm Meg Ryan in all of those classic rom-coms and the camera pans to sunset. Not quite sure when life decided to turn around for me but this is just...

So.

His name is George.

George Guven (no middle name, like Peter Pan....Guven; he's half Turkish)

He was selling cake in uni and I was rushing and flustered and soggy from the rain and said maybe later. and I went back....kinda just to see him really. He was there with someone else...but i can't really remember anything about them. I asked what the bake sale was in aid of and he explained that they were the politics society and they'd inherited a lot of debt and idk, I just felt this connection, as though talking to him, this total randomer, was the most natural thing in the world. He really made an impression. I couldn't stop thinking about him. and his smile. wow. but i didn't even know his name!!!

....I stalked.

So he'd mentioned the the politics society and to be raising funds for them, surely he'd be on the commitee right?? and there he was, right on the facebook page!! AND THEN i found we had a mutual friend, so naturally I asked Matt about him and matt urged me to ask him out....so i did.

I was so ready for that no. So so ready.

and then he said yes :3

and I've never ever been so happy :3 i just feel amazing around him. I feel so valued and god we click. he makes me giggle, really really giggle.

On our 6th date he asked me to be his girlfriend and i said yes!! and now just gone our 10th date i'm biting my tongue to not say that dreaded three words phrase. that l worrrrddddd keeps creeping up like I'm gonna yell it out!

We've been going out for 2 and a half weeks but I've barely known him 2 months...this is a real whirlwind and i hope it doesn't end anytime soon.

my beautiful george <3 p="">
Peace and love
xxxx

Why am I looking at Pictures of Miley Cyrus?

When I should be writing my assignment?
I'm quite frustrated with myself for having left EVERYTHING until today :( now have a few hours to write my assignment. Thank God it's Christmas soon, an breeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaathe x

Peace and love
xxxx

I've officially started Christmas shopping!

I'm not as organised as I have been in past years and I also don't have as much money but yeah....trying!! I've bought a present for my older brother so far, know what i'm getting the rest of my family and my boyfriend's family but only have ideas on what to get for my boyfriend. I have a few tiny things for him but I need to get him some special main bits and pieces.
Also, stats assignment is hard!! :/

Peace and love
xxxx

Procrastination of the Second Assignment

Up until now, I've been researching and planning my essay which is due on Monday. Three days away. I am now about halfway through writing it and am feeling immensely uninspired. So here I am; procrastinating! It's going quite well, I was quite stuck until I began writing but now I'm getting into it, I know more of where I want to go with it.
 I'm really grateful that the first year of university is a learning curve rather than an  actual part of your degree (I don't know whether this is the same everywhere) because I feel like I'm doing a lot of independent learning through trial and error rather than being told what's expected of me.

Wish me luck :)

Peace and love
xxxx

It's all systems go

So I haven't been that great at keeping you posted about daily life...
Here's a catch up :)
I turned 19...I feel no change. At all. Turns out that most people I know at uni are older than 18, my two closest friends are both twenty and there are also a bunch of lovely mature students; Sophia is a hoot! She's 37 (looks no older than 30!!) and is absolutely lovely, she was a lawyer for 13 years and decided she wanted a change...that's pretty nifty- she just said "life's too short" I agree.
And yeah, kinda touched on it already but uni is gooooood! I am BUSY. I have lots of lectures and then I make lecture notes and then I do the set readings...and notes on those readings...and then I make time for my assignments :D
I completely loathed my first day. I felt really scared/shy/out of place :( and it really dawned on me that I'm going to be here for the next four years (sandwich course so I'll be on placement too but yeah, 4 YEARS!!) I got home and went to bed, had a little sniffle and ate some chocolate. It was uphill from there though, you just need to stick with it, I spose.
"Uphill" isn't to say I'm not finding it hard, Stats is haaaaaaaaaaaard but in the moments I get it, that sense of accomplishment is second to none! Got my mark for my first assignment today- 62! That's a 2:1 and for my first assignment, I am pretty darned pleased with myself...just need to get it together for the next three before Christmas and then the January exams...*ahem*...:s
Also! Got the Chancellor's Scholarship :D I don't get free tuition but I am being given a monetary prize. i worked very, Very, VERY hard and am so pleased and proud of myself. It might sound a lil conceited to say I'm proud of myself but I figured that I put myself down all the time, when I've actually acheived something great I should be able to be nice to myself :)
And lastly, my new job! I am loving it. Everyone is super nice, it is so cheesy but honestly does feel like a lil family unit :) Only thing is...I get paid in cash because it's a super small independent business. On saturday night I was rushing to get off work to go to a party and shoved my £40 in my pocket...halfway down the highstreet it wasn't in my pocket. Kind of a crap night. just a bit, eh? :( I've had a few days to make my peace with it now so I do feel better and you know, it really is only money, I have a job, I can make more. It's upsetting but I had a £40 lesson in "Don't be a careless fool with your money."
All in all, life is really pretty good, even if I'm busy and down £40, swings 'n' roundabouts and all systems go!

Peace and love
xxxx

Okay, change is good...

...If i can just keep telling myself that!

Within the next month I am turning 19 (I'm not ready) I'm starting Uni (I'm not ready) and I'm starting a new job as cook and barista in Jo Clarks (Sort of ready)

It's a lot to take in!! I'm not having to move away like a lot of people I know  but this is all happening really rather quickly, so yeah, despite still being at home, I'm quite nervous.

Let's start with my new job! I've had a trial day which I loved so I'm pretty excited to be starting working there on 5th October! Everyone is really lovely, supportive and respectful; people just pitch in with whatever needs doing. I've been at The Continental Café for the past 3 years and I feel it's time to move on, I don't really get any satisfaction from working there anymore and for the amount of money I'm paid per hour, I find the work is just too much. Also, when I started giving CVs out, I was offered jobs from two places within the same day, so I was overwhelmed by that sense of full-on positivety  and it feels really nice for someone to say, "hey, you seem to know what you're on about, you seem to be worth while, you're a good person".

So yeah, I was unhappy in my job, I took the pro-active steps of writing a CV, giving it out and having a trial work day and I'm proud to say that my work has paid off! Independent lady, making things happen :D

Uni!! I covered this mostly in my last post, still nervous but feeling ok, I guess I'll just take it as it comes, you know?

AND

My 19th birthday on 26th September!! I'm excited, of course, but another year's come and gone and I hardly saw it! And most scarily of all....next year, i'm not going to be a teenager anymore!

Just...Change... It's big. and it's all at once. and I am a little scared, that's not a shameful thing, is it?

Good  luck with all the changes you've got coming up!

Peace and love
xxxx

Uni's looking really real

Ok, so, this post is probably going to annoy a lot of people who took choosing university really seriously but i mostly chose them because of where they are, seeing as i want to live at home after what happened with martin last year. but even then, when i was choosing universities to apply to, actually going to uni was a far away maybe. like it was never a dead-cert. i'm good at school, i do well academically, but i never really saw myself as the academic sort, i always had a kind of water-colour, hazy view of futurekaytei wandering around europe with a back-pack and a tan not really having a destination and not really minding. but now i'm gonig to uni. and even though i planned it, i chose it, i knew what was happening, it's somehow come as a shock. My first day is 30th September and i'm really scared. I don't know anyone taking my course (psychology) and i hate being the new kid. one plus is that i suppose everyone's gonna be the new kid. My first week is really just orientation, meet 'n' greets, q&a sessions, that sort of thing but i need a whole timetable for it and i'm gonna be looking a tourist in the town i've lived in for at least a third of my life.

Something really silly (and seriously: JUDGE ME)....I'm worried about what i'm going to wear/make-up/how i do my hair for my first day. It's going to set a president for how i need to look for the rest of the year, it could give people the wrong impression of me...

This is all happening a bit quickly and maybe my change isn't as big as some other people's because i'm staying at home, but right now, the change seems plenty big enough! Maybe I'll actually relaunch this blog as a uni-diary. helpful hints, how i'm getting on, and every cringe-worthy newbie thing I end up doing.

Good luck for whatever you guys end up doing this year!

Peace and love
xxxx

George Ezra - It's Just My Skin

George Ezra - It's Just My Skin

Stunning song, please give it a listen :)

Peace and love
xxxx
p.s i'm just your boulder, can you swim?
p.p.s this is post number 666! :P

So results day has come and gone...

I'm very pleased, how can i not be? :P I reckon more than anything I'm just pretty relieved though...
Expectations are a horrible pressure...although people mean well I wasn't sure how well i'd do and constantly hearing it'd be fine wasn't very helpful. but i worked really freaking hard so i'm bloody happy it paid off!

now i can clear away the umpteen mind-maps i made :P

Peace and love
xxxx

So far this holiday...

I've got three new dresses
:D

whoa.

Hoping it's sunny for thursday; with the worry of results day looming as it is, nice weather would mean one less thing to frett over...which could be good, you know?

I've had a lovely sleepover with Summer after a day of culture *don' you know?* and caught up with my beau :D Adam was really pleased with his presents!! bit of panic when the rockband keyboard wasn't working but it was just a dudd battery...adam's mom to the rescue :D

Peace and love
xxxx

I have red hair :D

decided to be spontaneous

That's all folks!

Peace and love
xxxx

BEACH!!

We took a drive over away from Holyhead to Aberfraw in Anglsey. It's a long, long stretch of white sand curving around acres of dunes. We wandered across there for a couple of hours before our picnic and then drove to the next village, Rhosneigr *not sure if that's actually spelt right :s*. This was more of a touristy spot of beach but it was quite stunning :) I've done so much walking recently but a whole lot of eating as well to compensate.

The weather was quite ncie today but the shoreline's always windy so I don't know if I'll be venturing into the sea any time soon :s If the sun beats down tomorrow we may head over to Bae Trearddur again for a proper lil trip. Whatever we end up doing, I am going into town because I still have yet to do that and we only have a couple more days now :(

I thought that I'd have plenty of time to read and mabe do some homework but we've been out all day everyday. It's really been non-stop :D

I love falling asleep on the phone.

Peace and love
xxxx

I have so much time to think...

...and reflect upon life and life's little matters :)

I can't believe how quiet it is here...I see maybe 20 people in a day out and about.
Apart from today, we went across to Bangor and that's about the biggest city here in Anglesy so there were LOTS around :D good to see peoples again...I like the peace but being accustomed to town as I am, it's nice to have real human contact :P Also, after trudging through mud/sand/puddles/rocks it's really good to get into shops, all clean and bright and nice-smelling :P I finally bought new cocoa butter body butter and bb cream from a lil boutique here in Holyhead. Today I bought an LBD *for a fashion outsider, that's a lil black dress :)* I tried it on and when i took it to the til, the shop assisstant told me I looked fab in it :P so sweet.

I think it's safe to write on here *because he know longer reads it* that this dress is bought with Adam's birthday in mind, it'll be the first time in 2 weeks that I'll be seeing him so that's a double celebration :D

I've already got him a couple of presents but I intend to order a couple lil extra things this friday when I get paid...and I worked Thursday as well as Saturday so I'll have a nice lil extra bit. always good :P wahey.

I'm gonna end up walkign there on Friday...if I take my bike I'll have to take it to work the next day which'd be awkwards :/

Peace and love
xxxx

Cymru Mark 4

Hello from Wales :D
And there is sunshine!! Don't know how long it'll last so I'll just tske whatever they give me right now :P
It feels good to be home, y'all. I have said this so many times before but until it stops being true, I'll keep saying it; I feel an incredible affinity with Wales and Holyhead in particular, an immense feeling of peace just swells in my chest and everything else melts away. Work and college and results day *eep* all kinda melt away .

We arrived at about 1/2 4 this afternoon and I've been chilling with the GrandFolks :P

Read an interesting article about the 'surrendering wife' -_-'
To  be a housewife instead of persuing one's own career is not to 'surrender' it is a bloody choice and i wish women would stop hating on other women for this particular choice.This article implied that to support one's husbadn in his persuits was somehow regressive. Frankly, I find it a lil regressive for womankind for women to be launching such an attack on other women. This isn't feminism this is anti-feminism. Woman are entitled a choice, the same as everyone else and whatever is done with such choice ought to be respected.

Sorry, got a lil caught up there...anyways, then I had some dinner, visited Nan and then took a lovely long bath :) I washed my hair, shaved my legs, exfoliated and then painted my toe nails. I feel lovely and pampered and relaxed. All is well.

As of yet there are no concrete plans for tomorrow but I think that for as long as the weather is nice we should really make the most of it and that means BEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAACH! and finally an excuse to christen my new bikini :) I bought it on sale in January and have been dying for an excise to wear it xD

Spent a lovely last night in England with Adam :) Just  chilled, watched telly and giggled together :) <3

I've been to my first ever festival. Not all of Refest was amazing but what was great was bloody fricking great so it's all in the balance really I suppose :)
Also, RuFest was pretty cool :D Apparently i like to cook when i've been drinking but no one was complaining xD


Speak soon <3

Peace and love
xxxx

Gave Blood!! :O

hello all :D feeling a lil faint still :/ i'm not allowed to donate again for a year because i got quite faint this time- they said it was because i'm 'petite'...very nicely phrased :) i feel good that i've done it but yeah...lil ill feeling :s lying down, drinking water and eating plenty. avoiding heavy lifting, walking around and standing too long. That sounds almost like the 'likes/dislikes' of a dating add...
but hey, i got free crisps xD

They're sending me a blood donor card in about 2 weeks so that's when i'll find out what blood type i am :) the two most common are O+ and A+_ so chances are i'll be one of those...but you never know :P

apparently there'll be bruising because they had to adjust my needle and knowing how easily i bruise, it may just look pretty darn horrific...

I got 2 stickers....welljel...:D  *smugface*

Peace and love
xxxx

So it's pretty much the Summer...

Not entirely sure how i got from last year to where I am. How exactly did i do 4 As and then the exams and get to here so freaking quickly? and just why will i be doing it all again so soon?

But before then is a weekend of raving with my best friends. can't wait :)

ooh and I'm giving blood tomorrow, please wish me luck, i'm actually relaly quite scared but then also in a place of calm naivity because i'm not quite sure of what to really expect.

Anger is like a hot stone-holding onto it will only burn your own hand...so throw it at someone instead :D

also, it's not about time, it's just the timing. FUCKING TIMING. when have you ever been on my side?

I love you xxx


Peace and love
xxxx

I swear..

self diagnosis things online always just tell me I'm dying :(
it's kinda mean frankly, i'd never say that to them...

bought some medicines yesterday...I have a weird spray for my throat with a nozzle that actually goes right down my throat and a syrup which tastes like sweet nail varnish remover :[ it's foul.

'life is far too short to be ill.' tell that to my fucking throat. i get coughing fits that keep me up all night and make me wheezy and i take medicine which makes me drowsey.

i don't actually know how i made it through work yesterday.
it's looking less and less likelyt hat i'll be better for tuesday though...don't think i'll be able to do house sports :/ i was almost looking forward to it as well.

you always break the kindest hearts

I'm watching ryan gosling...he helps make me feel better :) blue valentine still makes me cry.

Peace and love
xxxx